Showing posts with label Ella Roberts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ella Roberts. Show all posts

Monday, January 12, 2015

WEATHER WATCHING WORLDWIDE!

Being from England, where complaining about the weather is considered a National pastime, I have of course wasted my fair share of energy participating in this pointless distraction.
     When I was in London and it was cold and raining, I would spend hours (that I should have been working) surfing through travel websites and drooling over pictures of warm, exotic locations that I should have been in.
     Then I would run to the store and waste money I barely had on playing the lottery, trying to win money to go on holiday with.
     I never won.
     Interestingly enough however, when the summertime rolled around, it was like winter never happened… so one day, I decided to save myself the weekly distress of weather watching by moving to Las Vegas – the desert.
     And like many naïve folks who had watched Aladdin as a kid, I thought that it stayed hot in the desert all year round.
     I mean, at what point in the film did Aladdin or Jasmine ever wear a winter coat?
     I first arrived in Las Vegas in the middle of the sweltering July heat at 3am (don’t ask); I got cooked so fast, my poor sweat glands have not fully recovered.
     It also came as a rude surprise later that year in November, when it started getting cold and by January, even the usually bikini clad bunch were fully covered up.
     I don’t know what it is about the weather that keeps me engaged, but I guess the point of this rant is that it should never rain or be cold in Las Vegas.
     Just saying!
 
Ella Roberts,
 

Monday, January 5, 2015

NEW YEAR, NEW ME!

I have tripped and fallen right into that “new year, new me” trap again!  You know the one where you make half-hearted promises to yourself to finally lose weight… while dozing happily into yet another holiday food coma?
     Of course I promised to quit the fatty, salty, sugary treats cold turkey right after the 1st of the New Year, and guess what I was doing while actually lying to myself?  Yes, stuffing the forth piece of fatty, salty, sugary treat into my mouth.
     This only goes to show just how much self-control one loses to overindulgence every year during the holiday season, its tradition!
     So the 1st of the year has come and gone, and I have had to live up to my promise... yes, the rude awakening came when I started fighting with my husband for HIS clothes, which I have taken to wearing because mine don’t fit anymore, and I refuse to buy bigger clothes.
     This is just getting more pathetic isn't it?
     Anyway, my first clever decision was to join a gym, which has always intimidated me but by God I did it and so far I have not regretted it.
     My second clever decision was to invest in a particularly tight (and unnecessarily expensive) cocktail dress that only my left arm currently fits into, as motivation.
     Now let's see just how long these investments will keep me on the straight and narrow path of clean eating and exercise.

Ella Roberts,
 

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

ELLA, SLEEP & THE BLASTED SPIDER!

As a sleep connoisseur (yes connoisseur!) I become impassioned when talking about it, thinking about it and falling into it.
     For me there is no larger offense than something deliberately setting out to interfere with my ability to enjoy a good night's sleep.
     Grateful that I am no longer subject to random police sirens or drunken fellow students stumbling in at 3am, I now have other, more ridiculous sleep disturbers that I have not yet figured out how to handle.
     So I was climbing into my bed one night and getting ready to turn off the light, when I spotted the wrong end of a very leggy spider on my ceiling – directly above my face!
     Now how on Earth was I supposed to fall asleep knowing that a creepy crawlie, who was already upside down above me, could trip and fall straight into my hair?
     See I have zero tolerance for trespassers at the best of times so this is how the predictable game of Ella & the spider begins every single time:

     * Ella finds a glass
     * Spider doesn't move
     * Ella climbs on the bed
     * Spider senses an attack and starts moving really quickly
     * Ella screams
     * Spider hides
     * Ella waits for spider to re-emerge
     * Spider does not re-emerge
     * Ella loses three precious hours of potential sleep

Not good!
     It annoys me even more that every spider (except for tarantulas) has a misguided notion that because I am bigger, I want to hurt it – rest assured spiders that this is simply not true!
     If I reached for that shoe and took a swing at you, cleaning your blood splats off my walls will be my responsibility, which is something I don’t want!
     So how about you just stay out of my room okay?

Ella Roberts,
 

Monday, December 29, 2014

WOMEN, DIETS & MONDAY!

I once had a friend named GG who was always on a diet and never failed to let everyone who would listen know about it.
     GG would start a diet every Monday morning without fail and be making excuses as to why she could no longer continue by Wednesday evening... at Happy Hour while insisting we add appetizers to our drink orders!
     By Sunday evening GG would be back in “diet mode”.
     Having binged on pizza and cake - that she claimed wouldn't come near her for at least two months, but we all knew she would be unashamedly scoffing by Thursday evening - GG would suddenly be motivated to devoting her stomach to Wheat grass and Kale come Monday morning.
     This woman had a knack for finding the most ridiculous “get thin quick” schemes known to man, most of which I believe were conjured up by bored journalists somewhere.
     Why would anyone think it is a good idea to live on tasteless, watery cabbage soup for a week?
     Which I only lasted three hours on before sneaking a piece of chicken when she wasn't looking, not to mention that stupid Maple Syrup nonsense!
     And the Snickers diet (yes, the candy bar) and of course the rice, beans and coffee...?
     Oh, what I let her talk me into.
     Anyway, I started thinking about GG when I came to a cruel realization of my very own: clothes don't lie!
     And when the only thing that fits is a pair of stretch pants that I still have to fight my way into, there is no denying that like millions of gut-suckers before me it is time to put down that dessert fork and pick up the salad one.
     Rabbit food, here I come!

Ella Roberts,

Saturday, December 27, 2014

BIKINIS vs. ONE PIECE SUITS!

So the weather is getting warmer in Las Vegas (which I love) but this unfortunately, brings its own set of distressing opportunities such as invitations to pool parties (which I don’t love).
     The last time I went to a pool party, I remember feeling like a lump in my (fully clothed) shorts & t-shirt, trying to maintain conversation with half-naked beautiful people who had not a roll of excess fat in sight, asking me why I was fully clothed – cheek!
     I am not yet 30 years old and apparently it is an offense to even look at a one-piece bathing suit these days.
     I found this out when I strolled into a store and picked out a pretty looking polka dot one piece bathing suit to try on.
     When I found a stray assistant with a toothy grin to show me the dressing rooms, she immediately backed away when she spotted the one piece bathing suit like she didn’t want to get contaminated or something.
     Seriously, what was that about?
     Why is everyone so obsessed with bikinis all of a sudden?
     What happened to the one piece high leg that Pamela Anderson made famous in Baywatch during the 1990's?
     (Stick me in a black one of those babies and I could probably bring it back… alright stop laughing!)
     There is no doubt that a bikini looks great on those that enjoy creating hostile environments for fat cells, but for those of us that sweat uncomfortably just thinking about core workouts, how can being ridiculed at the pools for daring not to expose muffin-tops & midriffs be avoided?
     Oh forget it, don’t even answer that question!

Ella Roberts,

Thursday, December 25, 2014

WAL*MART TO FOREIGNERS

There's a wonderful place called WAL*MART.
     A huge (square footage of) land where all your dreams (including the bed... well, almost) come true.
     Where interesting fairy-like people dressed in blue or green vests, t-shirts or aprons attend to your every need (“hi, welcome to WAL*MART”).
     A place that houses so much indulgence under one roof, folks have tried to get locked inside... until they realized that it was open 24 hours.
     Now, to Americans this airy-fairy version of WAL*MART is probably a load of nonsense, especially to those that like to spend their Monday mornings holding up protest signs outside and scowling disapprovingly as one walks or drives in.
     I'm from England you see and we don't have much in the way of indulgence warehouses and foreigners like me can always be spotted in grocery stores by that unmistakable “gang of lost souls” look we all wear after the first step inside.
     Please be patient though when you see one at your local store either:

          * Wondering around in a daze, heading in no specific direction.
          * Stopped smack dab in the middle of the freezer aisle, mesmerized by the huge tubs of ice cream.
          * Carefully examining the oversize packets of everything from potato chips to milk, trying to figure out if there really is that much in there or just exaggerated packaging.

You see, I used to be a member of this ridiculous drool brigade... alright I still am but I have gotten smart about it by tagging along to someone who is immune to the trap that only WAL*MART virgins fall into.
     Going to WAL*MART for foreigners is like trying to explain what the Blue Man Group is actually about:
     You can't, you simply have to experience it!

Ella Roberts,

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

WEDDING DREAMS - DREAM WEDDINGS

I went to a bridal show!
     I know.  I had to.  It's my job to cover these things...
     So, bridal shows – or anything that has to do with weddings – always somehow end up being a mess of teeth shaving sweetness that would give anyone a severe sugar crash if it could actually be eaten.
     It always amazes me how fully grown women who are otherwise ball busters at work melt into cooing poultry types at the sight of a wedding gown.
     I particularly love the statement: “I've been dreaming about this since I was a little girl”, which is incredibly ridiculous of course because:

     1. A five year old girl should not be dreaming about becoming a wife; she should be appreciating that her life is still financially and worry free!
     2. A five year old girl should not be aware that being a sixteen year old girlfriend is hard work enough, let alone jumping way ahead of herself and yearning for the option that costs the most money to get in and out of.

Don't get me wrong I love weddings, as long as there's food... and a bride and groom who understand the basics: you two pay for the wedding and I, the guest pay to furnish your new digs.
     Not I, the guest bring you gifts and still have to pay to feed myself at your wedding.
     Cheek!

Ella Roberts,

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

DVD? GYM? TRAINER? 2

 
We've all sighted (and tried to avoid) those personal trainer types who loiter outside health food stores, scowling judgmentally as one glides guiltily into an adjacent fast food joint for a post-burn burger and shake (since they each look like they've never tasted a donut in their lives, I choose to interpret these glares as envy).
     A friend of a friend's ex-girlfriend's cousin decided to hire a trainer because he was getting married and didn't want to look tubby in his tux, so his housekeeper's forth husband's uncle recommended a trainer he had been using.
     When trainer lady found out the dude's finance had a bigger gut than he did, she offered a 21% discount for 24 sessions.
     On day one the stick and balls went to the park where she put them to work so hard they temporarily forgot what breathing silently felt like.
     Both men felt burns in places they had long lost touch with but neither would allow themselves to cry in front of a girl.
     Deciding to tough it out turned out to be a mistake when their lower limbs gave way and she forced them up by yelling and helping them lose their desire to get married.
     Mad at each other, the two beaus decided that she (devil) was not the right match for them; they preferred Zumba.
     And although they'd paid for 24 sessions, they called to tell her not to return.
     Next morning she turned up at their house and didn't leave until they'd completed their 24 sessions and hated women even more!
     Both men collectively lost 62lbs and out of fear respect for Personal Trainer Lady (even though they never saw her again), neither man dared to put the weight back on.
     I ask you again: DVDs? Gym? Trainer?

Ella Roberts,
 

Thursday, December 26, 2013

HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

Once upon a time lived a deluded Disney Princess, who had a wrinkle-free face that always had a smile on it because she had no clue what was really going on in the world.
     Her only desire/goal/ambition/aspiration/prayer/yearning/begging/determination was to find a Prince Charming to get married to.
     POOF!
     And the Fairy-God-Mother clad Universe granted her wish (because The Secret says if you want something badly enough for long enough you will eventually get it... or something like that).
     Anyway, so it happened: the Disney Princess met her handsome Prince Charming, had the big plush wedding and lived happily ever after... until about six days after they returned from their honeymoon.
     That's when the Disney Princess discovered that Prince Charming had to go to work to fund her lifestyle, and she was left home alone all day with the vacuum and her thoughts... then later in her marriage, the diminishing bottles of wine and packets of Marlborough Lites.
     This is because nobody warned the Disney Princess that the “Wedding” and the “Marriage” are only used synonymously by real hard core romantics (who themselves have never been married).

Wed-ber's Definition of Wedding:
“Paying thousands of (name your currency) to feel special and perfect and overindulged for one day without ridicule”.
Wed-ber's Definition of Marriage:
“Realizing that the person who seemed perfect at the wedding actually does all the things that you do like fart, grow hair, cost money, smell, eat, snore, get dirty, have needs, make demands and have an opinion”.

It is usually at this point that a Disney Princess decides to become a Real Housewife... because Disney kicks them out once they stop smiling and start complaining.

Ella Roberts,
 

Friday, July 5, 2013

WHAT IS PERFECT ANYMORE?

As a teenager I was an awkward little lump, with big eyes, big lips, thick knees and a drowning sensation into the shame of being me!
     Plus, it always seemed like I was surrounded by pretty people.
     You know the types who flutter around life with effortless grace, while all my round self could do was waddle.
     Of course this twisted reality of teenage-dom has resulted in my inability to stop believing that anyone who has beautifully shiny hair, perfectly applied make-up and a flawless silhouette without the presence of Spanx has no problems in the world.
     I think this is why I still watch The Real Housewives; I'm waiting for an announcement that all the drama isn't real.
     So I nearly fainted recently when I tripped over a piece of information that severely bothered me when it should have actually soothed me:
     Not everyone who portrays herself as such is perfect!
     “Well duh!” you say.
     But you see, I am the forgiving individual who will not question whether those freakishly large E-cup boobs on a size 4 frame are real or whether those lips that look suspiciously like dead animals are collagen injected.
     However, when I walked in on one of the Mrs. Perfects that I know personally while she was changing, I saw a naked truth that destroyed my illusion.
     Like me, she had thighs that touch, two stomachs and an extra set of elbows for boobs!
     I used to idolize this woman.
     I used to skip dessert and exercise with the hope that one day I would look like her, only to find out that she looks like me!
     Now what am I supposed to do with this information?

Ella Roberts,

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

I THOUGHT THERE WERE NO MOSQUITOS IN VEGAS!

When I first arrived in Las Vegas over three years ago during the height of the cloying summertime heat I got two surprises!
     One pleasant and one unpleasant.
     The unpleasant surprise was that the heat took away my ability to blink comfortably without breaking into a sweat.
     The pleasant surprise was the absence of mosquitoes, or rather my making it through the summertime without falling victim to these greedy little parasites!
     For two magical summers I (rightfully) kept my blood to myself but for reasons unknown to me, in the summer of 2013 a gang of stray mosquitoes has magically appeared in my house and I have spent more time than needs to be admitted chasing them around, trying to get rid.
     Sometimes I glimpse my murderous face in the mirror as I smack every surface trying to kill, kill, KILL one!
     You see, I have always considered mosquitoes to be the lowest form of severe irritation since I, myself was a source of annoyance to my parents' insecure attention-seeking friends.
     This is because for some reason every mosquito in whatever country, finds my blood to be a particularly tasty treat.
     Meaning, I have to wake up with an average of three new bites every morning... though I wonder if it is one little drain bag doing all the work or it is a collective dogs-in-heat situation, where if one gets a go then everyone else has to mark a spot too!
     Usually I feel guilty when I kill a bug even accidentally, but I will gladly hand mosquitoes over without a second thought!

Ella Roberts,

Monday, July 1, 2013

TRAUMA IN GROCERY STORES, Part 2

 
See I am one of those pitiful individuals that know nothing about grocery store placement logic, in fact where stuff is placed makes no sense to me and the only reason I may know where something is is because I've seen it there before!
     So there I stood shaking at the entrance of aisle one on a Saturday afternoon, holding onto the un-sanitized cart for dear life, trying not to drop my list, afraid to ask for help or move in case someone knocked me into the cat litter.
     Whoever said “necessity is the mother of invention” must have experienced this situation, because in my terror I resorted to creativity.
     An overwhelmed father of two came running towards me, chasing his over hyper twin boys and leaving a well stocked cart at the other end of the aisle.
     In his cart were six magical items from my very own list and since I didn't know where he'd found them and was too afraid to ask in case he asked me to help discipline his boys or something, I reached in and shopped in his cart.
     And I would have gotten away with it too if the previously absent mother hadn't suddenly appeared, holding a block of cheese and a bottle of wine (drunk!), asking what I was doing – like she didn't know!
     I was going to argue on principle, but having witnessed her over hyper boys and assuming they didn't get their unruliness from their dad, I replaced each item slowly (hoping she would say “it's okay take them, we know where to find them”) back in her cart, I smiled, muttered a resentful “I’m sorry” and almost ran down the aisle, knowing she was looking at me with disapproving disgust.
     Don't judge me; you would have done the same thing!



Ella Roberts,

Friday, June 28, 2013

IS THERE REALITY IN REALITY?

I can proudly say that I don't watch much television anymore due to being so busy, but in the same sentence I have to shamefully admit that when I do get a minute, my drama antenna seems to instinctively know which channel to find a reality show on.
     And there has been word of late that reality shows are staged and scripted and are not really reality, which offended me to no end the first time I heard this news but the truth has since slapped me and now I am “in the know”.
     This happened while I was watching a particularly noisy episode of (surprise, surprise) The Real Housewives of Atlanta and admiring the professional make up job of one Amazonian 5”10 creature who still wears the highest of heels... when a disturbing vision popped into my head – of her without any make up on!
     This is when it dawned on me that every time I see these women – any one of them that lives on a reality show – they are always fully dressed and made up.
     No I don't want to see them without any clothes on, I want to see them without any make-up on!
     Particularly in those moments when their sleep has just been disturbed (after a heavy night of Chardonnay guzzling) and they have yet to roll out of bed and start the day.
     I know exactly what I look like before my make-up bag turns up so I am stupidly curious to see how they look too, especially the ones who already look “interesting” with make up on.
     As much as I can sit there hour after hour, mesmerized by this nonsense I can thankfully say that I could not allow myself to be made a spectacle of like that.
     I simply have too many issues already!

Ella Roberts,

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

GASTRIC BYPASS - WHY?

So I came across an infomercial cleverly disguised as an interview with a woman who weighed less than a bag of fruit but claimed she used to be obese and that she lost all the weight by having gastric bypass surgery.
     First, she tells us about how great it has made her life and how she got all her confidence back and how she just feels happier thinner – good for her!
     Then she adds that some of the side effects of gastric bypass are: Excessive bleeding or drainage from the incisions. Redness. Unusual pain or swelling in the lower intestines. Fever. Chills. Black stools. Diarrhea that is pure water...
     Now why did she feel the need to share this? She nearly had me!
     Next, she delivers her most offensive piece of news yet: “The great part is that the surgery makes your stomach smaller and allows food to bypass part of the small intestine, meaning you'll feel full quicker and the amount of food you can eat at one time is greatly reduced...”
     Say What Now?
     You're telling me that I have to pay thousands of dollars to have my stomach thrown away so I can “lose weight”, not through discipline and exercise but by going for a quick fix that will interfere with my ability to go overboard at a buffet?
     No thank you ma'am.
     I'll just stick to the cabbage soup & keep my elasticity.

Ella Roberts,

Monday, June 24, 2013

MASS TRANSITS & FOWL ODORS!

Depending on which city one lives in, public transport (or mass transit systems in some circles) can be classified as one or a combination of four things:

1. A luxury - 2. A necessity - 3. An adventure - 4. A what...?
 
Having lived in London, served my time in Washington DC, Los Angeles and now happily settled in Las Vegas, I have sampled each city's attempt at accommodating the mobile but car-free/car-less population.
     Which has brought me to one conclusion: mass transit systems undoubtedly boast a complete and diverse buffet of interesting characters, odors and goings on that private transport couldn't even begin to live through.
     From the harassed looking twenty-something with a stained shirt, to the over-worked middle aged two jobber who snores and drools on horrified foreign exchange students.
     “People watching” on trains, buses and even on planes can keep even a seasoned Attention Deficit Disorder sufferer occupied for days.
     There is however, a downside to being sardine stuffed in enclosed spaces with individuals one wouldn't otherwise invite to a pajama party:
     Odor!
     Mass transit systems are notorious for harboring some of the most offensive smelling individuals that any city has to offer.
     You know, the types who dare to leave their homes without honoring their showers with a visit but love to share odors that slide up one's nose and make it hurt!
     Basically, if a living human being's odor can justifiably be labeled as “rotten” then that is a situation that promptly needs handling with a scenty bar of soap!
     I complain about this because many a time I have found myself unceremoniously trapped with pungent individuals who are otherwise blissfully unaware of the stink they are causing.
     Seriously, at what point does one's nose become immune to the power of smell?

Ella Roberts,


Friday, June 21, 2013

BUFFET vs. TO GO BOXES

I remember the first time I went to a buffet: I was on a date and we had just seen a movie that I'd slept through parts of.
     It was a pitiful time in my life when I didn't yet understand “buffet etiquette”, otherwise known as “stuff your face here and then get out”, empty-handed.
     As a shameless foodie, I obviously ate more than anybody should be allowed in one sitting and then decided to ask for a “to go” box, so that I could fill it to overcapacity and overeat later.
     When the waiter told me they didn't give out “doggie bags”, I got (understandably) upset and allowed my stomach to speak for me... or rather to argue that I should have one because I still had a plate full of food that I could not put back or throw away because let's face it, that's just an unnecessary waste!
     Twenty minutes later, my date and I walked out of there with our heads held high and a napkin written ban from the restaurant.
     Fast forward years later and I suddenly find myself holding onto an empty plate for dear life, confused and afraid of getting knocked over while trying to decide what to eat at a buffet in Las Vegas.
     After that chaotically traumatic experience I think I would prefer limited choices and an option to take a box home...
     Just saying.

Ella Roberts,